So, despite me thinking that the urge to write a blog was a freshly inspired impulse, it seems I had already set this up some years ago. It was already here, ready and waiting, aptly named and everything. I’d just never got around to posting. Or thought better of it. Or lost the inspiration again as quickly as it had come.
This seems to be a common strand of my life at the moment – the idea of coming back to things when the time is right, stitching together disparate ideas and experiences, weaving a quilt of completion to rest under. Because it’s a very cosy place to be, nestling in a corner, resting on the knowledge that every seed you sow will, at some time, provide an abundance of just what you need, just when you feel strong enough to harvest the crop. You do have to be strong, you see – to go back and see what’s grown there, what has emerged from one tiny seed planted long ago in your soul. You have to be strong enough to put your back into it and tug at the roots, to dig a little under the surface, to shoulder the weight of whatever is there for you to harvest. It can be enormously satisfying though.
This is what I found earlier this week when meeting for a quick drink and a catch-up with a former boyfriend, from what now feels like a former life. I arrived with no expectations, other than to while away a couple of hours, to gain a new experience and to check off a person-I-had-definitely-talked-to’ – I had promised someone there would definitely be at least five during their absence over the summer. You see, despite the connotations of the title of this blog and despite the fact that it is as relevant today as when I set this up some years ago, I’m really rather content to be left to my own disastrous devices. Delighted even. Excited. Daily. It’s the freedom to follow whichever paths I fancy and to make missions, mistakes, discoveries and decisions on completely my own terms – disastrous or not- that has led to the level of personal growth needed to go back to my roots – and yank at them, with both hands.
A ridiculously pleasant evening was had – an evening that could never have been had all those years ago when we had thought that we had a relationship. From my point of view the biggest hurdle would have been my complete lack of confidence and belief in myself – something I’ve since shrugged off somewhere along the way. I’d have sat and listened and bit my tongue until it became numb and useless – the way I actually felt about myself in more general terms. I’d have sat in awe of his reputation, convinced that this was proof positive of his genius, his worth, his craft and convince myself that my quiet creativity didn’t count. These days though, it’s not so quiet. I have plenty to say and plenty of ways of saying them and I think it’s important that I do – that anyone does. I think it’s just as important, if not more so, to speak out about your beliefs about yourself as it is about world issues, spirituality and religion. You need to tell yourself and others your own story or it will never be heard and people will fill in the gaps with their own inaccuracies. And if you don’t already know your own version, you may be tempted to let them stand in the spaces you have neglected to fill.
As the evening passed and I was able to talk confidently about my career so far; my passions – enduring and new; how my philosophies had changed; my journey – the highlights and disasters; my identity and the tools that have carved it; my discoveries – the ones I’ll treasure forever and the ones I’d rather not have made – to talk about myself, at last, as a writer and to be taken seriously – I could feel myself breathing life into my own story. Storytelling has long been a central part of many cultures (http://www.positivepractices.com/RuralEducation/CulturalStorytelling2001.html) – the way that traditions and knowledge and experiences and expectations are communicated to an audience in a way that can be remembered and internalised. And that, I think, is the difference I had brought with me. Where my confidence had come from. I had my story. I had the details, the landscapes, the characters, the trials and victories,the images and imagery, the faultless and tireless research to dance tribe-like with my tongue and light fires where there had once been spaces. I was no longer relying on empty intellectualism or interesting but irrelevant theories or iconic but false idols – things I couldn’t trust. I was relying on myself. Trusting myself and my story. And I filled in the gaps on my own, with fire and fierce fables of growth and determination. Just as elsewhere in nature, people often don’t reach their most beautiful and majestic until they have a certain level of maturity, until they have exchanged their mottled coats for something purer.
Conversely, he had mellowed and was more willing to hear my story. To really hear it, not just to be nearby when I told it. And he had some revisions of his own to make. Some of the hopes and dreams he had felt sure would cement his happiness, his success, his future – things he’d mapped out into his future long before we’d even met – had turned out to ‘not really be his thing.’ He had had the strength and resilience to walk away from them and to take his new insights and revised goals with him. And for that, I found I had a huge amount of respect. He had some twists to his tale that made him a fascinating and compelling storyteller and, as the main protagonist – person.
So, sometimes by returning to harvest the growth of tiny seeds in the soul, you find an abundance of beauty just when you thought it would have all rotted away. Your instinct knows when to reap and sow. The cycle is part of something of you and beyond you. Just like the sunrise and the sunset. They happen each and every day and guide almost everything we do, though sometimes we may not even be aware of them. You need to be open to following the rhythms and your heart – they will take you to what you need. They know the timescale.
Now, there’s a gap to this story, that if I don’t fill it may be filled with inaccuracies, so let me fill it first. There’s to be no romantic ending to this story – not at all. As I stated – I’m perfectly happy with being left to my own disastrous devices and that was never on the agenda for either of us. The real love that was reawakened that evening was the love for the power of people, the journeys they go through and their stories and the beauty of sharing them. Really sharing them – with authenticity, humour, humility, insight and generosity. And to allow and encourage others to do the same.
I hope that this blog will be one such outlet to keep breathing life into mine and to encourage others to share theirs. I feel sure there will be seeds worth sowing.