Getting Braver

So, I’ve just sent out the invites to my next Share Out Loud event which I am going to hold at my humble abode and feeling like I’m really gaining confidence in my writing. I’ve wondered for a long time whether to use this forum to share some of my poetry and I’ve decided to brave it and see. I think it can offer a different aspect to what sharing out loud can – a different audience, a different medium. As well as a writer I’m also a keen photographer and I think by publishing some of my poetry here I can also find a nice way to pair up some of the hundreds of images I have stashed away too. So, I’ll be sharing lots of my work here over the next few weeks. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Dilemma

I’m still locked in a dilemma around when and how and with whom exactly I should share my writing. It seems to me it is quickly becoming a bizarre paradox. It is through my poetry that I find it easiest to express my true, authentic voice and yet I don’t know that I want it to be heard by anyone. Or at least not anyone who could see the mouth from which the voice emerged. I think my anonymity around my poetry is important, still, at this stage. It gives me the freedom and licence to be truly authentic and expressive and not worry who I might hurt, or disgust, or offend, or any of the other things I fear they might do. However, I think to start sharing them in that anonymous context would be useful and timely now, so they get an airing at least.

I lost my voice this week you see. My real voice, I mean. It was a few days after returning from Wales, when I hadn’t had cause to speak to anyone much, if at all. It occurred to me in an irrational moment that that could well have been the cause of it – that I was living testament to the truth behind ‘use it or lose it.’ I’m still not convinced that’s such a ridiculous idea. I have at least started some solitary vocal exercises, mainly focused around verbalising a bizarre one-person progress check:

‘Have I still lost my voice today?’ I might enquire, politely of myself.

‘Why, yes, but it’s a little better than yesterday, don’t you think?’ I might reply.

It seems ludicrous because that’s not what a voice is for, is it? Talking to yourself? It’s for communicating with others. I think my poems have been talking to themselves long enough and if I don’t start to use this voice I’m on the journey of discovering, in the presence of others, then who knows? Perhaps I will lose it too.